Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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