You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I need moral support for this bender
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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