1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
