That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
nutella sex= disaster
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
