Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
