I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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