also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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