Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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