The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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