what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
