Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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