I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
