While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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