Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
