Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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