No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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