Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
