he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
