Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
