Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
