i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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