I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
