Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
