apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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