I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
