Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
