I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
