I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
