just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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