I faked an abortion last night.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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