A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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