i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
