So drunk, too bad you don't want this
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
