sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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