I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You were trust falling into bushes
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
