now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
