I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
