i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
