Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
