come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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