Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
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