If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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