i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
