Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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