Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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