I think scott just propositioned me for sex
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
