apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
