I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
she smelled like a LAN party
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
