Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
