I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
